What are your names and your children’s names and ages?
My name is Debbie, my husband Jeff and our two children are Rachel (18) and Max (15).
How did you decide on Rachel and Max’s names?
Rachel’s first name is after my maternal grandmother, Rose (Hebrew name was Rachel). Her second name, Baylee is after Jeff’s maternal grandmother, Brenda. Rachel’s Hebrew name is Rachel Batsheva after two beautiful women in the Torah.
Max’s first name is after my late uncle Marvin. His second name, Ryan, is after Jeff’s late uncle Reuben.
His Hebrew name is Mordecai Reuvan which were the Hebrew names of both of his great uncles.
How did you decide what your children would call you?
I don’t know that we decided that. I think they just called us mommy and daddy but they have so many nicknames for us too. Rach typically calls me mOma and she spells it like that when she writes me. I like to think it is after the Museum of Modern Art but I am sure it is just a mutation of mommy. Rach calls Jeff all kinds of terms of endearment other than daddy. She calls him moosh, Bitali, and others that I can’t remember now but rarely daddy. Max sometimes calls me Mother and calls Jeff “Jeffray” which is a nickname his friends have given Jeff.
How did you decide your their last name? Is it hyphenated?
It wasn’t really discussed. I wanted them hyphenated. Jeff said no. I wanted my name as a middle name after their second middle name and Jeff said no. I was young and in the hospital when he filled out the birth certificate and I think I was on a high after having Rach and I just agreed. That is why both kids’ first names after my relatives. I got the first name and he got the last name but when I travelled with them alone when they were little it was frustrating that there was no indication on their passports that we were related. It still kind of bothers me to be honest.
What were you most afraid of about becoming a parent?
Brené Brown talks about foreboding joy, tied to her research on vulnerability. She says that “Joy is the most vulnerable emotion we experience,” and if you cannot tolerate joy, what you do is you start dress rehearsing tragedy.” So that is pretty much describes how my life as a parent began. I was always afraid something would happen. My love for Rach was so intense I didn’t know what to do with it. Jeff and my friend Dara staged an intervention so I would go out with Dara and leave Rach with Jeff because I never left her for over a year. When Max was born, we found out he needed surgery when he was a baby so all that fear was channeled towards him. It is so hard to understand the intensity of love while also not feeling the fear of losing it. I have learned, with humility, to embrace the moments of joy but it took me a long time.
What is the most rewarding part of being a parent?
Watching them grow into the young adults they are. My kids are great people–funny, bright, honest (most of the time and when they aren’t it makes me laugh) and loyal friends. They have built networks around them of great people and I love watching them in their own becoming.
What do you do for fun as an entire family?
Traveling (especially with your family) is our favourite thing to do for fun. This year we went to Mexico with you and New York just us. I got to bed early and the kids stay up with Jeff some nights playing poker and I heard they have fun doing that but I sleep through it. We also love going to great restaurants and trying new places in our great city of Toronto.
What was a “must have” item you used when Rachel and Max were little? Or now that they are older?
Books…I would read to them all the time. Rach loved Todd Parr books when she was little and I would read them to her in the car. She would have screaming fits when she was alone in the back seat so I would read to her while I was driving…I knew the book off by heart. With Max, his must have item was his Harley dog. Our friends had a dog named Harley who was Max’s first best friend and we got him a stuffed dog that looked like Harley and he took it everywhere. He once left it in a hotel room and we thankfully found another one that looked just like the first.
Describe your parenting styles. Is one parent stricter?
It isn’t like that…we have grown into the roles. The kids know we have expectations but honesty is paramount so no matter what they have done or want to do, we want to know about it. Jeff will sometimes react more than I will but it is always from a place of concern. He was naughtier than I was as a teenager so he worries that not only the kids will get into trouble but often that their friends will lead them there. I tend to think that our kids have good judgement and I tell them that as long as they continue to show us that good judgement, then they can continue to have freedom of their own choices. So far, I would say it has worked.
Finish this sentence with one word… “To me, family is….”
…about love, of course. Your family is part of our family and my family a part of yours. Nothing is better than that.
