This is something I rarely ever talk about and if I do it’s usually only to Frank. I feel extremely embarrassed sharing this. It has consumed me most of my life, my thoughts, my actions, I suffer from Body Image, specifically Body Dysmorphic Disorder.
Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD) is “characterized by the obsessive idea that some aspect of one’s own body part or appearance is severely flawed and therefore warrants exceptional measures to hide or fix one’s dysmorphic part on one’s figure.” ~Wikipedia
Around the age of 12, I started to gain a lot of weight. I grew up in a bakery, so whatever I wanted was at my disposal; donuts, pastries, bread, cookies. You name it, I ate it. I justified this by joking I was the “quality control” I just loved to eat and food made me feel good.
Weird thing is when I was so overweight, I never thought of myself as being fat.
I was probably around 17 yrs old when my father’s friends made fun of me for my weight and that was a turning point for me. I became anorexic. I went from 200lbs and a 40” waist to 135lbs and a 28” waist. I was obsessed with working out and not eating. I wanted to get even skinnier.
My hip and rib bones were protruding, but I still had to lose more weight.
I became obsessed. I would see in the media guys with muscles and abs, and wanted that. Little did I know I would never look like that, nor would I by doing what I was doing to myself.
20 years later and I still struggle with food, I struggle with how I see myself in the mirror. I critique the way I look on a daily basis. Most days I still see a fat little kid. I want to be that positive role model for Milo, but how can I when I am not that person for myself?
I was invited to speak on the Gay At Heart Podcast about Body Dysmorphia. I was reluctant to at first, but I decided to as I know many men out there also suffer with Body Issues. It sucks, but with proper education and surrounding ourselves with people who love and support us we can overcome this.
If you are struggling, or know someone who is, please visit National Eating Disorders for more information.
