Growing up I always knew I was gay from a young age. The kids used to call each other “gay” and “fag” in the school yard. For most, these words just rolled off their back but for me they always stuck. I just knew I was different, everything and everyone around me told me that being gay was bad. I internalized that for most of my life.
The picture above was taken in my room just before my Bar Mitzvah. At age 13, unlike most boys my age, I had pictures of beautiful women all over my room (Brooke, Farah, Cheryl, and Suzanne to name a few). I was always trying to hide my true identity from the people I loved most, asI thought I would lose them if they knew who I really was. I put these posters up so my parents would think I was attracted to them, when in reality I just thought they were “fabulous”.
I had girlfriends all through high school, though I loved them all, I knew deep down that I was gay. The girls, I thought, would keep family and friends off my back. There was such an internal struggle and I didn’t know what I was going to do. I was so scared of coming out and losing everything. I didn’t think it was even a choice.
Lucky for me, I had some amazing experiences with boys in high school and I knew then I was only attracted to men. When I went away to university, I finally got to be myself. The picture above was my first Pride Parade in NYC in 1994, which happened to be the Stonewall 25th Anniversary. I was so proud to be myself and finally be free.
I came out to my family when I was just 19, and it didn’t go well. I came out to my friends, who accepted me with open arms. It was a hard road for acceptance at home, that led to addiction, but I wouldn’t change a thing about my life. If it were not for everything that has happened, I wouldn’t be where I am today and I wouldn’t have my beautiful family. I tell everyone that is struggling, that as cliché as it sounds, it really does get better!
