As much as we love being gay dads, we face some unique challenges as a same-sex couple due to people’s’ expectations around gender roles. It’s why we’re so excited to partner with Dove Men+Care, which champions paternity leave for all types of dads, across the country and around the world. When men have an expanded opportunity to care, there is a positive impact on them and society overall.
The first day we brought Milo home from the hospital, our neighbour asked, “So who will do the mom stuff!” We were both taken aback, but we tried to laugh it off.
We didn’t really talk about whose “job” it was to prepare Milo’s bottles, or who would change his diapers. It came organically and we shared the responsibilities, and still do. In some ways it can be easier being a two-dad family. Without the expectations of traditional male-female roles, there’s less pressure on either one of us to do the dishes, take care of laundry or fix things around the house. Regardless of gender, in any household these duties just need to get done!
We’re often faced with questions about who takes paternity leave. “Are you both entitled to it?” “Who will take it?” “Is his biological father the only one allowed?” Oh, we have heard it all! People are curious and that’s ok. Luckily, we don’t get offended easily and people ask questions because, hopefully, they are genuinely interested in our family. Perhaps they may even take inspiration from the way we’ve done it!
When thinking back to my own childhood, I remember my dad was always working and my mom stayed at home as the primary caregiver. This is going back almost forty years now. (Yikes I’m getting old!)
It was a different time and society’s view of families was different. Gender roles were defined in such a way that men were expected to be the breadwinner and women were expected to stay home and take care of the family. However, despite all the changes in the world, for some people gender roles are still narrowly defined. As a two-dad family, we challenge stereotypes and stigmas, and demonstrate through our everyday life that men can in fact be the primary caregivers for their kids.
When Milo was a baby, we would attend baby groups for parents, and be some of the only dads in the room. There were a number of places in our area that actually called these playgroups “Mommy Groups”. Needless to say, I would call and ask them to change the names, or we wouldn’t attend. It’s important we recognize all types of parents.
Despite Canada’s progressive policies, most fathers still don’t take paternity leave. Why is this? Is it because of traditional stereotypes of masculinity? Is it because of society’s pressure on women and the expectation that moms should be the stay at home parent? Maybe their jobs didn’t allow them? This is a conversation we should have.
Speaking as a dad, I want to spend as much time with my son as possible! Kids are only young once and we both wanted to make sure that when we became dads that we would be there as much as we could for Milo. I try my best to be present and play with Milo as much as I can. Afterall I am his favourite dad! (Shh! Don’t tell Frank!)
As gay men and fathers, we encourage fathers all around the world to celebrate each other and challenge the stigma that may hold them back from taking the time to spend with their children. Believe us, the time with them is worth it!
